Monday, October 10, 2005

Dark brown

Dark eyes
Dark ness
Dark hair
Dark skin
Dark vader
Dark penis
Dark future
Dark holes
Dark dark
I'm in a shitty mood

Sunday, October 09, 2005

How to fall in love

Pick a weak moment
Make it lonely
Throw in some insecurity
Worry about the future
Tinge with jealousy
Don't forget to use honey
Pepper with arguments
Pacify with agreement
Load with compromise
Forget about freedom
Tempt with gifts
Temper with patience
Go with the flow
Try not to think
Find a thick skin
Get lost

Friday, October 07, 2005

Dada's dilemma

the sun had set outside. was the sun about to set on his career? it had been a long innings. with the usual share of ups and downs. but his life made for a good story. the tumultuous beginnings. the unusual controversy. the 'maharajah' tag. the baggage that got attached to it. as always, the truth lay somewhere in between. but that wasn't on his mind. he had to decide. he was 35. it was a difficult time. should he put in his papers? wouldn't that be a cop-out? after having fought so hard to hold on. after having courted controversy. the pressure was getting to him. did he need it? hadn't he done enough? you never do enough. there's always something more that needs to be done. someone else who has to be proved wrong. greg had to be shown his place. he couldn't be allowed to get away with this. that mbe! what does he think of himself. this was no time to let go. they'd call him a quitter. not a good way to go after having done all the hard work. just then, the bathroom door opened and naghma walked out, freshly showered. the cricket would have to wait.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The living room

the room was empty
the walls white
everything smelled antiseptic
nothing smelled antiseptic
he looked hard for signs of life
he saw none
fiddling with the controls
he tries to change the scene
nothing changes
the room is empty
the walls white
he becomes a memory
the scene changes
a fresh coat of paint
the room is empty
the walls white
that's life

Friday, September 23, 2005

siva station

it may be indra who gets all the action
but when it comes to the star attraction
i'm an unabashed fan of the lord siva
indra may have his urvasis and menakas
that's only cos shiva's not into apsaras
a dudeswara if ever there was one
is the maheswara
and what i most about him adore
are his imperfections galore

note: written as a reaction to an ode to indra.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

close to nothing

i'd like to say clothes
my heart
my eyes
the world i live in
the floor
the tiles in my bathroom
my bed
my sheets
my necklace
my earings
my rings
my dermatologist
face cream
my fingers
when i hide my face in them
cowering in shame
the dirt between my nails
but in the vast emptiness
i people
with the many mes
i feel nothing
feelings are created
take them out of the mix
and you r
an object with skin
close to nothing

Note: 'World famous' poet siva's exercise. the idea: write a poem about something, someone, somewhatever that's closest to your skin.    

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

World famous poet Siva is at it, again

Attempting to write a poem with a very long title and a relatively short body is a very good exercise in creatively thinking about poetry and a very bad excuse to be clever.

then again
in a world of
any excuse
to be clever
is a good one

When you find out your girlfriend has starved all day because the day happens to be karva chauth

you dump her.
no, instantly.
make that, even faster.

Reflections on the ancient tradition of karva chauth

Just so we get away from reflecting too much on the absurdity that is karva chauth, a reflection on life


Note: 'World famous' poet siva's exercise. the idea make the poem shorter than the title. (imagine the possibilities!)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

the capitalist manifesto

i will not capitalise when i write directly

i will not capitalise, for free, even otherwise

i let microsoft word do that for me

the few times you will see me capitalise, for free

it's probably because i wrote it on word

don't blame/thank me. thank bill gates

i will not capitalise because some white sob says i have to

i will use his language

i will use it the way i want to

i will write it the way i want to

i can tell you a thousand more reasons when i will not capitalise, for free

i will do anything for MONEY

an exercise in desire: by world famous poet 'maya'. write about desire, no erotica, without using the word desire in any form. hope it works. as ever, avi

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Out of my life, inside my head

Haven’t seen her for years
See her everyday
Haven’t had sex for years
Have sex everyday
Haven’t known love for years
Know love everyday
Felt liberated for years
Feel tied down everyday
Been single for years
Not single for a single day
Haven’t thought about her for years
Think about her everyday
Haven’t written a letter for years
Write a letter everyday
Haven’t wanted her for years
Want her everyday
Haven’t fought with her for years
Fight her everyday
Wanted her out of my life everyday
Haven’t been able to for years

note: part of a weekly exercise by 'world famous' poet, sivakami. this week's exercise: exorcise conflict

Monday, September 05, 2005

The quiet man

Mouth curled in a benign smile
Hair neatly combed to one side
Crisp, white cotton bush shirt
Starched, white brocaded dhoti
Clean-shaven, old-spiced, as usual
Listening to everyone
Waiting for them to finish
Not protesting one bit
Never inconvenienced by it all
At peace
Having looked for it
All his life
It had found him
At last
Pity, he was unmoved
In fact, he was dead

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The parting shot

they hung out
talked crap
didn't shave
shot the breeze
went places
made love
dreamt dreams
decided no babies
joined greenpeace
got arrested
smoked pot
got arrested
reached for the stars
got arrested
counted the stars
got arrested
did nothing
got arrested
made plans
rode bicycles
wrote poetry
petitioned the PM
went to court
took back the 70s
vowed to stay true
to the cause
to each other
until it was time
for her to wake up
and get married
to a banker.
he shaved.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Just say know

we made a happy couple
everything was in place
the future looked bright
until we started talking

i could read her mind
she could read mine too
it was a heady feeling
until we really could

the sex was awesome
any time was a good time
enough was never enough
until we'd seen it all

she was pregnant
i was overjoyed
the pleasure was all mine
until she said the baby wasn't

you're never sure
whether you want to
or you're better off not
until you know

note: 'world famous' poet maya is at it, again. her prompt: write about 'secrets' without mentioning the word.

Friday, August 19, 2005

to be...

theme of the week
a banked fire

tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
his obit read: alone

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


sitting on the floor
watching the rain
i try so hard
not to miss you

the exercise: express pain without using the word pain. brought to you by 'world famous' poet maya.

The cure

the ads urged him to buy
it turned out to be one big lie

the pharmacy gave him some aspirin
except, he hated any kind of medicine

the soul suggested he write
all he ended up was sounding trite

the rake said he needed to get laid
small problem, he was a tad too staid

the elders insisted he get married
all of which left him even more harried

the sum total of it all: he went insane
all because he couldn't mention the word 'pain'.

Attempt 2: The exercise put forward by 'world famous' poet maya where one has to write about 'pain' without mentioning it.

The wait

seconds turned to minutes
minutes to hours
hours to days
days to weeks
weeks to months
months to years
years to half a lifetime
half a lifetime to death
his obit read: unpublished

An exercise in 'Pain': the idea put forward by 'world famous' poet maya is to write a poem about 'pain' without using the word pain or any words like ouch! (ouch!)

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Miss India

i craved the rivers
the variety
the colours
the intensity

and so i came back
to my lovely india
only to realise
it had turned into america

Take that!

it was love at first sight
they decided to get married
everything seemed just right
nothing to be worried

7 years later
it was time to take stock
things looked even better
the cynics were in for a rude shock

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Life is beautiful

expecting people not to be materialistic
is just being plain simplistic

seeking love without money
is for those who find tragedy funny

going through life smiling
is too bloody tiring

hoping for the best in a bad situation
is often the only option

expecting things to change for the better
is as passe as a hand-written letter

making poverty history
is all very fine in theory

taking on people in authority
is an exercise in futility

choosing to be an idealist
is only for the masochist

the idea of fucking
is what makes sex seem so elevating

a surefire way to live a life so depressing
is to spend it thinking

in case you're wondering about the first line
it's little more than a clever headline

that's right, my lad
you've just been had.


Thursday, August 11, 2005

History lessons

the exercise: thought of by 'world famous' rhyzer, james joyce, the idea is to say something funny about history in 6 lines.

a: Indian History
Riven by internal strife
Driven by misguided fools
Where conspiracy is rife
Fudged for children in schools
Peppered with trophy brides
And only confusion rules

b: American History
Built on a series of genocides
Worse than any of Saddam's homicides
Is the story of Modern America
That began with a notion of 'India'
Brought to you by that fool Columbus
Thus was born this marketing omnibus

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Packaged holy water

in a city with little water
in a country with dying rivers
in a land with no respect for nature
in a universe that chokes and sputters
in a globe that's going to the gutter
in a system that gives me the jitters
in a world where only the rich get richer
in a life peopled by callous critters
in a market made for the omnipresent consumer
in a channel driven by advertisers
no surprise that nirvana can be found
only in packaged holy water
sigh, what a bunch of nutters

note: this was an exercise where 'world-famous' poet maya gave us a 'prompt' - packaged holy water, and we had to come up with a poem. needless to say, the pathetic state of the world brought forth the above pathetic results. don't enjoy. there's nothing to.

White trashed

what is it about those faces
that makes it so easy to put us in our places

they do everything to keep us out
and yet, getting there is all we care about

we'll fall for all their bluster
sure, tell me it's got nothing to with colour

the easiest way to get a better life
so very simple, just become a green-card's wife

so what if we can't get into their security council
at least they allow us to be their stencil

making us believe we can be as big as china
fooling us into chasing a bloody chimera

hah! fools, this is all they want from us
reams of cheap code minus the fuss

hey, why the fuck am i complaining
probably because i was never into programming

the things we'll do for a little more money
if it weren't disgusting it would be funny

i know, you think i'm being silly
but remember, we buy the most fair & lovely

maybe it's something they eat
which makes our kind such easy meat

don't mind it, i'm just an angry writer
a mask behind which hides a bitter loser

Sunday, August 07, 2005

You so fit the profile

The only color is white
Nothing else is right
No, we’re not being racial
You just need is a quick facial
We’re sorry it’s not our fault
Get used to living in a vault
Resistance is futile
You so fit the profile

It’s your tan
Are you woman or man?
You don’t look like us
You’ve got no right to kick up a fuss
You middle name is suspicious
Our paranoia is not fictitious
Resistance is futile
You so fit the profile

You look un-Caucasian
It’s unfortunate you’re Asian or African
Yes, we have little basis
We’re just trying to make our land an oasis
Don’t make this ugly
All browns are the same to me
Resistance is futile
You so fit the profile

Are you here on pleasure or business?
What’s the length of your penis?
You look like that guy on TV
A definite threat to national security
Like the loser who serves me my Big Mac
Sorry dude, you’re going to have to go back
Resistance is futile
You so fit the profile

We gave them visas
They took us for a ride
We were made fools of
We can’t let the enemy inside
Better submit to our will
Swallow the bitter pill
Resistance is futile
You so fit the profile

The curse of imagination

the most beautiful pictures
are the one's you haven't seen

the deepest of meanings
are the ones you can't glean

the purest of hearts
are really not that clean

the most wonderful people
are never what they seem

the most cherished moments
are the ones in a dream

the most perfect face
is a recipe for a has-been

Happiness is a warm bum

when it comes to sex
here's what i think works best

use a condom if you have to
don't get pregnant unless you want to

hold on to that loaded gun
trust me, that's what makes it more fun

don't forget to work that tongue
it's a skill that often goes unsung

don't be shy to stoop and conquer
the perfect way to go down and thank her

personally, what i relish doing whenever i can
is to take her in the ass like an uncouth man

proof if ever was need, my friend
that i've well and truly gone round the bend

Instant Tamasha!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lights! Camera! Action!
Scale the highest mountain
Kill a dozen people
Sing near naked under a fountain
Rant in a temple
Run around trees
Life is a breeze
Find a girl
Fall in love
Promise her the world
Watch the dream dissolve
Tie up the lose ends
Drive the audience around the bend
Three dead in violence
No power for a few days
A life full of incident
No wonder everyone in India prays
Or runs to films
No matter where what plays
Something for everyone
Even for the elitists
The down-market and common
Just so long as it makes the hit-lists
If not, there’ll always be another one
Copying films is so much fun
Forget your worries
Share our celluloid curry
Rip-off somebody’s story
A formula that’s nice and easy
For an escape from reality
And life in a crazy country
We’re the dream pashas
A kind of pusher
We create instant tamashas
And a world where nothing is kosher
Cut! Stop shot! Pack-up!

Happy Friendship Day

sorry, didn't mean to be facetious
what crap!
oops, didn't mean to be dismissive
it's all about marketing
damn, didn't mean to be cynical?
it's all about selfish needs
umm, didn't mean to be crass
it's a load of bollocks
gross, didn't mean to be abusive
it's a social construct
never mind, didn't mean to be abstruse
it's for fools
i better stop, didn't mean to be a downer
it's the start of a beautiful relationship
hahahahaha, guess i have no idea what it means
so i'll just fall back on the old cliche
and end with happy friendship day

Saturday, August 06, 2005


and only loneliness for company

Friday, August 05, 2005

the two sides of a butterfly

she looked at the beauteous creature
exclaimed, what a lovely creation
exquisite, delicate, magical
proof of god's existence

he was a science teacher
said it makes possible pollination
is little more than functional
and said please stop that cliched nonsense

they looked at each other
minds on either side of a partition
a situation so typical
that was getting unnecessarily intense

so decided
like the subject
to move on

The butterfly effect

no place for people
too many mouths to feed
care little for our women
driven solely by greed
kill honesty daily
watch fellowmen bleed
deal shamelessly in platitudes
consciences going to seed
live to serve our desires
care for caste, colour and creed
rape this dying planet
mediocrity is my breed
and activists with many missions
is what we need

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Ideal Husband

He kissed her in the morning
before she brushed her teeth

He served her her morning cuppa
before she asked for it

He had breakfast ready
before she stepped into the kitchen

He gave her space
before she was cramped for it

He even lifted the toilet seat
before she had to remind him to

He did everything she expected of him
before she expected it of him

He was the ideal husband
before they got married

The Writer

She takes the kitchen knife
rips out her heart
dips her brush
in the pool of blood
and paints the quilt of life

note: this was an exercise done by 'world famous' poet sivakami where we got 3 random words and we had to create something somewhat 'poetic' out of that in less than a minute. the three words i got to play with were 'quilt', 'dips' and 'he/she'. thank you.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Don't ask me

a family affair?
a long nightmare?
a compromise?
a control device?
a sanction to fornicate?
a relationship that's legitimate?
a business proposition?
a societial restriction?
a bond that can free?
a convenient boundary?
a meeting of minds?
a long road that winds?
a human need?
sorry, i'm not married.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

From the Requiem, by Anna Akhtamova (1889-1966)

Not under foreign skies
Nor under foreign wings protected - i lay

alive to sounds of death around me

dancing to tune of the last dirge

imprisoned by memories of the living

Not under dark clouds
Nor under any pressure to perform - i sang, silently.

(done by avinash subramaniam as an exercise where you take the first two lines of a great poem and ruin it with personal mediocrity.)

Saturday, July 23, 2005


it was inviting
it was warm
it was snug
it was moist
it was sweet
it was comfortable
it was bloody
it was fecund
it was hungry
it was open
it was mine
it was waiting
it was perfect
it was a trap


s p a c e

Friday, July 08, 2005

The Loner

displayed in a museum
nestled in our memories
seen in history books
talked about wistfully
reduced to a relic
considered very rare
a blast from the past
a cover blown away
something to be treasured
fodder for the greens
eradicated by man
replaced by industry
preserved in a glass
the last blade of grass

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Mind matters

a chimp i mistook for a lion
instead of green i see cyan
wanted to go to paris
ended up in zion

water that flows backwards
gravity that pulls upwards
chasing the company of people
ended up in a world of cowards

travelling without moving
shaking without stirring
settled in for a quiet even
ended up in a piteous whining

chasing a chimera
analysing a kookoburra
watching a game of cricket
in the company of psychedelia

a trip through my fires.

red, blue, green and a million others
colours is all i see
staring from where i am
everything looks bloody crazy to me

pink, white, magenta and orange
the shades are beginning to blind me
lemme pop in a few more
and stir that brew i call soul curry

violet, black, black and more black
the images are beginning to look dirty
what kind of fucking trip is this
think i've had one too many

golden, brown, blue and one too many
i can't take more of this wild imagery
life is a good enough trip
experimenting with acid ain't in the least bit funny.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Present tense 2

forget the past
let go of the sense of deja vu
dump what happened last
for, as we speak, time is passing through

don't wallow in memories
stop searching for long lost clues
don't get caught up in a whirl of sorries
for, as we speak, life is passing through

no point talking about yesterday
why let the excess baggage accrue
tomorrow is a brand new day
for, as we speak, today is passing through

so what if the shit hit the ceiling
enjoy the freshness of the morning dew
don't let what's happened leave you reeling
for soon the future will be upon you.

Present tense

this is line 1
this is line 2
this is line 3
this is line 4
this is line 5
this is line 6
this is line 7
this is line 8
this is line 9
well, what do you think
of this avant garde poem of mine?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

The nutty professor

The smutty orator
The guy the neighborhood knows
As the notty professor
Wanna see him slobber?
Just wiggle your butt
Then run for cover
Before he asks you to lick his nuts

Aaargh! He’s disgusting
Always talking about poking
Everything is a come on
Walks around with a permanent hard-on
Nothing is too dirty
Dammit! The bugger is sixty
What he needs is a Bobbitt
The guy makes me vomit
His obsession is smut
All he does is bark, come lick my nuts

When he’s not teaching
He’s looking up skirts
He’s never teaching
He’s always got his eyes in a girl’s shirt
I hope he never dies, just suffers
Talk to him over tea
Everything ends up sounding dirty
Shake his hand, he’ll stick his boner
He’ll pretend to be moody
Just so you get closer to his woody
With an unholy talent
To quickly unzip it
At the drop of a consonant
Yes, the old boy is witty
He could shame the Kamasutra
He must be on Viagra
How da heck do I no all dis brudda??

So, I sucked the notty professor
I sucked him till he cried
He’s just a bunch of nuts
A dick head stuck in a rut
Gave him a BJ
Made his day
Told him da problem with talking dirty
You end up having to wait till sixty
Then I fucked the notty professor
Put an end to Mistah lick my nuts
Told him it was all karmic
Job done, grrrrls!
I’m the new Bobbitt!
No more notty professor
No more class of smut
There lies the old bugger
With nothing to replace his nuts
Heck, it was all karmic
You go grrrls!
Now, let’s all on him vomit

Bang, bang, you’re dead!

Blown out of our minds
Let’s prance around naked
Be my nature’s child
You were born to be mounted
Fuck me in paper and kind
Sometimes with panties
Nothing more fancy
Put your pussy on the line
Open wide, let it my cock divide
Soak its throbbing head
Deep within you, inside inside
You suck, we fuck, I suck, we screw
Down to the last drop of thy beetlejuice

Make your legs my noose
Purr for me my horny muse
Between high tits my dick will snuggle
Violate you digit by digit with my bare knuckles
Strip you down to your beaver hair
Parted lips, shaved fair…oh my fucking, wow!
Enough talk, time to sink the laden dhow

Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, our knees feel weak
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, prepare for the next peak
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, it’s your turn to be meek
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, your deep throat still hasn’t been fed
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, baby you give the best head
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, Honey, we really need a new bed
Creak, creak, creak, creak
Bang, bang, Honey, did you hear what I just said?
(Gunshots) Bang, bang, fuck!
Oops, looks like I just shot the bitch dead!

Mr. India

Where’s your accent?
This is not supposed to be the way you look
You don’t seem Indian
Nothing like the one in my book
Your women are educated
Your clubs are a blast
Your music kicks ass
Your films are just as crass
You fuck with our minds
You want our jobs
Just try not to fuck with our women
They prefer white knobs

You do not ride an elephant
You speak English
You do not look like a trinket seller
Where is the rope?
Where is the turban?
Where is the snake?
What happened to the monkey?
Where’s my stereotype?
Hey Indian, you gotta live up to the hype

Mr. India Mr. India
Where are you my Mr. Exotic India?
I smell no attar
I see no chai tea
When are you going to light up a bidi?

Mr. India Mr. India
Where are you my Mr. Exotic India?
Please say Namaste
Is your name Gandhi?
Why does your name not mean curry?

Not about 911

Write about September 11th
Yet another ditty about 911
Bring out the drum synth
Call on the great one
Milk the moment
Crank out an emotion
It’s ok to lip sync
Flog beyond redemption
Try and make it pithy
Be careful not to be too witty
Throw in some pity
More easy money for the kitty
Say you’re at loss for words
You don’t know how to react
That it curdles your innards
Osama is a pedophiliac
Hunt him down
Hound them out
The response has to be full blown
Take the whole religion out
Two wrongs make a right
We have the might
We must fight
Why bark when you can bite
We never cared a dime
It never happened to us
There’s always a first time
Is there a way to look for a plus?
A time to understand
Link with an ampersand
The rest of the world & Islam
So we know it’s not just about some Emam

It’s pretty obvious
To those who care and feel
Nothing contentious
This is just a song for a meal

To sing about 911
Is just as absurd
As putting a jolly tune
To this bunch of words

Friday, June 24, 2005

Silence 2.

where's my breakfast?
where's my bag?
where's my underwear?
hurry up with the food
bend over, i want to fuck
get ready, we're going out
it's time you quit your job
wake up stupid
jump, higher
press my legs
clean the fridge
go to sleep
give me a blowjob
and that's the only time she ever opened her mouth.

Thursday, June 23, 2005






____ ____

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Confessions of a lost soul

i am strong
like ambuja cement
i stand tall
like the Petronas
i am unshakeable
like a hummer
i am smiling
like a toothpaste model
i am perfect
like fair and lovely
i am the coolest one
like the iPod
i am the providor
like in a perfect marriage
i am definitely male
like the bajaj pulsar
i am untouchable
like the d-company
i am the emperor
like the emperor with no clothes

Am i ok?

i'd like to say yes
i don't want to say no
i would be lying if i said yes
and pathetic if i said no
so i won't say anything
'cept, thanks for asking.

i'd like to smile
i don't want to frown
it'd be disingenuous if i smiled
and pointless if i frowned
so i won't do anything
'cept, thank you for asking

i'd like to be up
don't want to be down
but i don't want to fall
and can't seem to climb
so i won't hope for anything
'cept wish you weren't just asking

i'd like to say yes
i don't want to say no
i would be lying if i said yes
and pathetic if i said no
so i won't say anything
'cept, gosh i can be depressing.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

damn it!

the human race.


all the women who've fucked with me.

the voices inside my head.

the inner voice.

my vivid memory.


the idea of us as social animals.

this life.

the next life.


the truth.

there is no way out.

the beginning of it all.

there is no end.

the end.

Monday, June 20, 2005


Till death do us part.
i swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth.
i love you.
no, your butt looks great.
i expose only when the scene justifies it.
life is beautiful.
forgive and forget.
love conquers all.
set her free and she'll come back to you.
but i love you!
not tonight darling, i have a headache.
God is great.
inside my head.
it doesn't matter how you look.
and that's the truth
i believe you.
happily ever after
but i love you!!
the fairy tale continues...

the crow

the lines don't seem to come
the mind's an unholy mess

the crowd inside my head
only seems to grow
while i struggle in vain
waiting for the words to flow

perhaps i need some coffee
something to jumpstart the process

turn on a light bulb
that will make the idea glow
and i continue to struggle in vain
waiting for the words to flow

why is it so hard to think?
why is it so hard to share?

why does it seem so much easier
to leave it for the morrow?
damn! how i struggle in vain
waiting for the words to flow

staring at a blank page
grappling with drivel

unable to express anything
without sounding,oh so, shallow
ah, now i see why
it's all thanks to a noisy crow
cawing away
on my living room window.

Sunday, June 19, 2005


Don’t go for broke
Take time out for smokes
A couple of long tokes
Maybe even a quick poke
I need no toy
TV is just a ploy
Everything else a decoy
Now go get me my la-z-boy

To speed is silly
I think I’ll take a while
If there’s a short-cut to Italy
Why go the extra mile?
Don’t make me hurry
I’ll do it later
I never scurry
I always take the elevator

You change the channel
You get the door
Let’s watch this drivel
Who cares if it’s a bore
Why choose to do
When you can just get by
Nothing’s all I want to do
Doing something is so dry

Don’t make me move
This is the way to be
I think I’ve found my groove
Life is nice and easy
It’s not that hard
I’m having a blast
I’m the lump of lard
I never go too fast

Take numbers one to nine
Get ahead of me in every line
It’s too much work to whine
Don’t worry a whit about me
Time is not money
Things are never too slow for me
I always wanna be free
So just let me be

Don’t go for broke
Take time out for smokes
A couple of long tokes
Maybe even a quick poke
I need no toy
TV is just a ploy
Everything else a decoy
Go get me my la-z-boy
Everything else a decoy
Where the fuck is my la-z-boy?

The ho-ho-ho train

Jingle bell, jingle bell
Prepare for marketing hell
Tis' the season of selling
Dat time of da year again
When Fadder Christmas is coming
So get on da ho-train
Feel the consumerist woody
Better be goody-goody
Little kids, hear here
Dere's much to fear
‘Cause Good old Papa Claus is here

Be very staid, and afraid
Eat all your vegetables
Improve your grades
Learn your math tables
Never leave your bed unmade
Stay away from being moody
Realize, life is one big trade
Better be goody-goody
Little kids, hear here
Dere's much to fear
‘Cause Good old Papa Claus is here

You want a red bicycle
An irridiscent yo-yo
A year's supply of popsicles
Your holidays in slo-mo
More RAM for your computer
A motor scooter
Weekends of no study
Better be goody-goody
Little kids, hear here
Dere's much to fear
‘Cause Good old Papa Claus is here

Didn't get what you want?
Maybe it was out of stock
Don't like the colour?
Santa's such a load of crock
Never asked for this big soup bowl?
Throw it all the way back to the North Pole
Papa Claus is a nobody
Dere's no point in being all goody-goody
It's just mommy and daddy dear
And da Christian way of instilling fear

buy me!

You need a girl friend
You need a friend
You are pathetic
You are lonely
You need me

So buy me!
Buy me buy me anytime
Buy me now
Buy me later
Buy me till stocks last
Buy me!
Buy me, buy me anytime!

You need a nose job
You want to be blonde
You want bigger eyes
You just want!
You don’t want to be PC
You’re not easy
You got the sneer
Nothing makes you queeeesy!
Believe me baby, you neeeed meeee!

So buy me!
Buy me buy me anytime
Buy me now
Buy me later
Buy me till stocks last
Buy me!
Buy me, buy me anytime!

I can make you thin
I can give you muscle
I can be your brains
Baby, I’m what makes this look good!
Here today, gone tomorrow
Make that the day after tomorrow
Opportunity doesn’t knock twice
You need a copywriter to make you look nice

Buy me!
Buy me buy me anytime
Buy me now
Buy me later
Buy me till stocks last
Buy me!
Buy me, buy me anytime!

The lines are open. For your copy of buy me, call 1-800-buyme. Satisfaction Guaranteed! Buy me before I go to seed.

Funky Junkie

Funky junkie
Funky donkey
Funky fu Manchu
Funky flamenco, Funky for u

Worldwide funk
Funky black people
Funky Fred from France
Funky loose mystic, Funky miss nipple

Do the funky chicken
Funky Miss Loader
Funky broad
Closet funky, Funky disrober

Ready to get funky
Funky Malaguena
Can’t get enough funky
Funky dirty, See how funky men are

Funky low lives
Funky ass bass
Kings of Funky
Mo kinky less funky, funky kix ass

Funky blues
Funky broadway
Funky butt love
Funky disco mix, funky booty, Ok

Funky dollar bill
Funky DJ Rhetmatic
Funky fresh
Funky loco, Funky enough to get ecstatic

I come from a funky town
A neighbourhood with soul
Yeah, ma middle name est clunky
I’m da funky proper noun
An ode to the f-junkie
Hear dis milady Spunky
You’ll never get me off your back
Remember, da funky monkey said dat

Colour, me badd

America, a FAIR country
How is that supposed to help me?
Haven't I seen enough white?
To not have to be reminded which colour is right?

Out of my life, inside my head

Haven’t seen her for years
See her everyday
Haven’t had sex for years
Have sex everyday
Haven’t known love for years
Know love everyday
Felt liberated for years
Feel tied down everyday
Been single for years
Not single for a single day
Haven’t thought about her for years
Think about her everyday
Haven’t written a letter for years
Write a letter everyday
Haven’t wanted her for years
Want her everyday
Haven’t fought with her for years
Fight her everyday
Wanted her out of my life everyday
Haven’t been able to for years

Let's do the Kamasutra

It's not just a manual
It's a state of mind
The philosophy of carnal
Let's do the Kamasutra
From top, front and behind

It's the pursuit of pleasure
Of stooping to conquer
The secrets of cunnilingus
Let's do the Kamasutra
Repeatedly moan oh lord, yes! Jesus…

Get on the blowtrain
Feel high, then drained
Waves, spasms and multiple orgasms
Let's do the Kamasutra
The bible that bridges all chasms

For sex that's manic
Get down, mystic and tantric
Twist, writhe and shout
Let's do the Kamasutra
There is no better way in and out

You're so smooth and sweaty
Mmm…you taste positively peachy
Strap up, take the cosmic ride
Let's do the Kamasutra
Lie down, spread wide

Your hourly dose of the exotic
For sex that's delicious and chaotic
Be it with or without clothes
Let's do the Kamasutra
You'll see how everything just flows

On your knees
A little more acrobatic please
Nothing is erotic enough
Let's do the Kamasutra
Go ahead, flaunt your stuff

It's not magic
Nothing cryptic
More an omnipotent mantra
Let's do the Kamasutra
Find life's secret formula

Come and get some
Discover g-spots where there exist none
Learn the tricks of the trade
Just do the Kamasutra
And repeatedly get laid

Porno Graffiti

Shake well before and after use
Mine feels like a blown fuse
Kiss mine, I won’t tell
Suck yours or you’ll go to hell
I’m just a fifty-fifty
This wall’s reserved for porno graffiti

Hey dude, nice hairspray
Ever heard that joke about Jamaica?
This feels smoother than sun-mica
Mister, why is your penis gray?
Go away, little children, honestly
This wall’s reserved for porno graffiti

Hello Ladies
You’re in the men’s loo
If that’s what you think fella
Ever heard of the grand switcheroo?
Quick, scrawl something, tight ass and pert titties
This wall’s reserved for porno graffiti

Your mother made me breakfast
Your wife cooked me supper
Keep peeing bro
My dick’s in your family
Your girl’s fine pussy
This wall’s reserved for porno graffiti

Don’t make me laugh
Somebody get me my glasses
Where’s your weeny?
Good day, Mr. Tiny
Guys, say hi to mini-me
This dude ought to have boobies
Watch it
This space is reserved for porno graffiti

Friday, June 17, 2005

Sympathy for the Devil

Nobody believes me
Nobody wants me
Why won’t he come get me?
He knows I’ve got a short fuse
I used to be so much use
Give me back my headlines
Bring me back to the frontline
Don’t you dare say I’m old news
Come, come, I’ll make it easier to find me
I’ll even give you more clues
I miss you Bush baby
I’ve got the Al-Qaida Blues

No longer a favorite flavor
Sidelined by a noisy neighbor
Relegated to the unwanted
How sad, Osama grunted
Maybe after he gets Saddam
He’ll come back to me
The thing about men
They prefer the home-cooked meal
Till then, I’ll wait
And tolerate
This strange twist of fate
Of no longer being Bush’s pet hate

Is it no use?
Was I just a ruse?
Shit, I feel so used
Fucking abused
Babe, I’ve got the Al-Qaida blues

It’s all about attention
Of how to feel wanted again
I know what?
A revived Osama, exclaimed
I’ll just take down another plane
That should get his mind off
Fucking Saddam Hussain
I can’t take the pain
Of not being blamed
How about I kill a million Jews?
Nah, that’s old news
Sigh, I’ve got the Al-Qaida blues

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Even cowboys get the blues

I'm a Hindoo
Taught to believe
That the cow is sacred too

But this
This is pure parody
Killing people for a dead cow
Holding on to the past
Running away from the now
Forcing people en masse
Depriving some of their staple chow

Denizens of India
There's much to worry
Last I checked
Hinduism was a robust philosophy
And India, a secular country

I'm Hindoo
I come from a land
Where a cow is like Lord Vishnoo

But this
This is just crazy
Milking beliefs for votes
People being herded like goats
Humans scavenging like crows
And a starving populace
That repeatedly comes to blows

Denizens of India
There's much to worry
Last I checked
Hinduism was a robust philosophy
And India, a secular country

I'm Hindoo
Our bottom-line is tolerate
But this...this trend of late
Formulated by a bunch of ingrates
Confusing militancy for strength
Spouting an ideology of pure nonsense
Turning everything into a sacred cow
A great religion gone shamefully low-brow

Denizens of India
There's much to worry
Last I checked
Hinduism was a robust philosophy
And India, a secular country

I’m Hindoo
I don’t preach hate
I condemn this
I denounce blind faith
I too think the cow is holy
But equating her to my mother
Now, that’s pure baloney
A dead cow is a dead cow is a dead cow
What the fuck next are you going to disallow?

Denizens of India
There's much to worry
Last I checked
Hinduism was a robust philosophy
And India, not an anti-secular country

Dear Prozac

I was down
You came along
Wiped away my frown
Sang me the happy song

It was a lot of fun
Time to end the high hun
It was good while it lasted
So let’s not get emotionally wasted

You’re my treatment
You’re my Prozac
No foolish sentiment
You’re just a Prozac
Breakdown is imminent
Where’s my Prozac?
My heart is broken
I need a Prozac

Great in bed
You made me forget
You were step one
I say we’re done

You gave me lust
Saved me from going bust
Made me forget trust
But end this, we must

You’re my treatment
You’re my Prozac
No foolish sentiment
You’re just a Prozac
Breakdown is imminent
Where’s my Prozac?
My heart is broken
I need a Prozac

You can be addictive
You won’t keep me happy
Let’s not be vindictive
Let’s make this snappy

I’m not being funny
You need to understand
There is no irony
So save us the headstand

You were treatment
You were my Prozac
No foolish sentiment
You were just a Prozac
Breakdown was imminent
I needed you, Prozac
My heart was broken
It was a time for Prozac
The future beckons
Goodbye, Dear Prozac

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


coming soo...

just around the corne...

in a flash...e...

before you know i...t

don't go anywher...

trying to keep u...p

it is, obviously, hard to think up, effectively, a
stanza or three, on the mechanics a jiff...y

time to take my fingers off the pedal...

no time to finish this lin...

is this, i wonder fleetingly, a valid interpretation
of some toms, dicks and a verbalac...hurr_?!


Monday, June 13, 2005

the other side of temptation

temptation is the mother of all creation

temptation is the driver of all evolution

temptation is the opposite of negation

temptation is the birth of a nation

temptation is not for the patient

temptation is the start of God creation

temptation doesn't deserve its bad reputation

temptation, in my book, gets a standing ovation

and for more on temptation

just mine the blogatron induced collective imagination.









Deja vu

in a world without strangers
why are there no friends?

in a world without boundaries
why are there so many walls?

in a world with so much sex
why is there no love?

in a world without vision
why is there so much to see?

in a world without humanity
why are there so many people?

in a world without strangers
why are there no friends?

in a world without boundaries
why are there so many walls?

in a world with so much sex
why is there no love?

in a world without vision
why is there so much to see?

in a world without humanity
why are there so many people?

come again?

Friday, June 10, 2005


no issues
no pretending
no lies
no one else
no compromise
no foreplay
no nonsense
no games
no give and take
no stooping

no reading between the lines
no waiting in line
no yucky 69s

no pretense
no defense
no offense

no mountains
no oceans
no fish
no snatch
no catch

no commitments
no commandments
no condiments
no fruits
no fuck-me boots

no blowjobs
no handjobs
no regular jobs

no altercations
no complications
no insertions
no dissertations
no intentions
no tensions
no sensations
no emotions
no erections